Tightrope Walkin'

I've been ignoring the blog lately, but it's only temporary, I promise!  I wrote a few months ago about my friends/landlords wanting to sell their house, and while they've decided against it, I'm still making plans to move out and begin the foster care licensing process some time soon.  Moves cost money, though, so God and I made a deal... whenever He provides the $___ I need, I'll know it's time to take that step.  It might take six months, or it could take two years.  I'm being diligent about saving, but completely open to His timing.

That being said, when my church approached me last month about stepping into an interim position to help the transition between children's ministers go more smoothly, I jumped at the chance.  Not for a split second did I consider the time I'd need to invest or the weight of the additional responsibility; my only thought was moving money!!!  It seemed like such an answer to prayer that I never thought to ask for confirmation.

While having a second job obviously puts me a little closer to my goal of moving out, it also takes away from my writing time, and I've wrestled with guilt over that decision.  Now, for all I know, God may have planned this season so that I could let my projects simmer and return to them with new eyes and a fresh perspective, but I'll never know because I was too set on doing what "made sense."

This is where it's easy to get tripped up and fall into the enemy's trap.  We pray for provision, and then when opportunities present themselves, we busy ourselves in the name of "God's plan."  But at what cost?  How much of what we do to earn money is in line with what He truly wants for us?  What do we sacrifice in order to chase that paycheck and the dream it fulfills?

The extra hours I've put in haven't bothered me in a physical, practical sense; I still have the time necessary to stay on top of my responsibilities, and I truly enjoy what I do.  But spiritually, I've found that I'm walking a fine line.  One side has me relying on God's time, the other, taking things into my own hands.  One side leads to the love of money itself, the other, recognizing the love of the Provider.  It's a battle between seizing an opportunity and potentially ignoring my calling, willingness to work hard and taking time for holy rest.

Maybe you're not saving for a down payment, but I'd be willing to bet that everyone has a God-given dream that hinges on a bank account balance.  Maybe it's upgrading to a more reliable car.  Maybe it's quitting your job to stay home with your kids.  Maybe it's traveling or getting out of debt or starting a non-profit ministry.  Or maybe you just want to make it to the end of the month without worrying about how you're going to get food on the table.  Whatever your financial dreams, I absolutely encourage you to ask for provision.  But when the opportunities come, don't forget to weigh the costs, pray about your decision, and trust Him regardless of what He says.  Unnecessary busyness is never a part of God's plan for us, and no goal is worth giving up those things that are most important to us.

Can't live with it... Can't live without it!

My friend Jodie is hosting an Advent series over on her blog, and today's devotion comes from Exodus 3:1-20. She asked everyone to share about a time when God asked us to do something that maybe we weren't crazy about, and for me, that something was writing. The following is a post I wrote a year or so ago, prior to the recent smack upside the head that told me to get serious. This has obviously been an ongoing process and to be honest, it's something God and I are still working out....

I have a love/hate relationship with writing.

Up until four years ago, I wrote when I had to. Period. I didn't mind doing it for school (and in fact, I typically did very well on writing assignments), but never in a million years would I consider it a hobby. It just wasn't what I did. I was not a writer. Or so I thought.

If you know my story, you know that God had other plans. He decided to prove to me that, yes, I was a writer whether I wanted to be one or not. In the beginning, He literally had to pull the words out of me, and it wasn't uncommon to hear me pounding my fists on the desk and crying I don't wanna do this!

I got over it, though. Eventually. And now I'm pretty willing to admit that I was wrong.

Over the years, I've decided I'm fine having writing as a hobby. If I happen to find myself with nothing else to do, then by all means, you can most certainly find me in a cozy coffee shop with my Bible and notebooks strewn about, happily tapping away at the keyboard. Those are the times I love it.  But the thing is, those coffee shop moments are rare. It's not very often that I have that time. And I'm totally okay with that. I love my job and the ministries I'm involved in, and I don't mind staying busy.

But every now and then, I get restless. I start feeling like there's this huge part of me that's missing. Like life isn't going the way God wants it to. Every time that happens, I pray for direction. And every time, God reminds me of those early days, the days when I wrote purely for Him, not because it was fun. The days when I was knee-deep in blogging and pursuing publication. The days when I relied on Him for each and every sentence that came from my hands. 

It was glorious.

Time and again, I try to tell myself that it was my walk with God that fulfilled me, not the act of putting words on a page. And while I know He absolutely comes first, I simply cannot escape the idea of writing.

I've tried. Over and over I've tried. I kicked and screamed. I gave in and gave it my all. I ignored the longing. But every time, He says This is what I want you to do. And it's not enough to make it your hobby.

Hmph.

It's nice, in a way, to know what your calling involves. But when it's something you have to work really, really hard at and whose business side kills your creativity.... it's much more fun to keep it at arm's length. Writing for fun doesn't come with the pressure or responsibility or expectations that writing “for real” does.

And I'm not sure yet how I feel about going down that road again. If I'm being honest, those are the times I hate it. As much as I want to do God's will and be faithful to the gifts He's given me, part of me simply wants to keep it as a hobby, something I can enjoy on my terms.

 It's safer that way.

Still, there are times when I come across something I've written in the past, words that hit me as though I've never heard them before, and I know I can't play it safe. God had something to say back then, and somehow, He managed to say it through little ol' me.

What if He wants to do that again? 

Connecting the dots

In hindsight, it probably wasn't a good idea to return to blogging right before a busy week full of commitments.  There's nothing like saying I'm back! and then disappearing... again.

But anyway, I'm here now. :)

I shared in my last post that I have a dream of adopting children and what I believe is a calling to write.  In my mind, the two were never really connected; adoption is what I wanted to do, and writing is what God made me do.  One I've wanted almost my entire life; the other I've had to wrestle with and grow to love.  The way I saw it, mother and writer were simply two of the many roles I felt led to play in this thing called life.

Last spring, however, as I was grappling with the reality that my current situation makes adoption all but impossible, God kept nudging me to, you guessed it...write.  Unfortunately, it's been my habit to do so only when I feel inspired, need to process something, or have an upcoming Sunday school class to prepare for, but this time He wouldn't let it go. In an effort to be obedient and seek direction, I blogged (on a separate site) every day during Lent.  39 posts later, I was still just as clueless as I was when I started.

Fast forward six months to our current small-group study.  We're studying Mark Batterson's The Circle Maker* and talking a lot about our dreams. Once again, I sat there praying God, what do I need to be doing to make this happen?  Wouldn't you know that one word kept popping into my head, the same quiet whisper no matter how many times I asked...

Write.  Write.  Write.

Two days later I sat down for some serious God time.  And in no uncertain terms, He let me know that it was time to get my butt in gear, specifically regarding a discussion guide for A Year of Biblical Womanhood* that I'd started writing for my high school girls, but never got around to finishing.  Let me tell you, I've done more work on that in the last five weeks than I had in the last five months!  I've had people tell me numerous times that I needed to think about publishing my Sunday school curriculum units, and now that God's lit a fire under me, I'm beginning to pursue that as best I can, although at this point it's only involving a lot of editing.

Do I have any idea how writing curriculums relates to adoption?  Nope.  Not a one.  There are some obvious possibilities like publishing and making money and building a side business that could support a family... but knowing God, the path probably won't be that straight.  It's more likely that He'll take this small act of obedience and use it to open a door I've never even considered.  All I know is that I've been given a task, an opportunity.  And even if I don't see a relationship between these two very different things in my heart, it's time to let Him connect the dots. 

My Dream vs. His

As Walt Disney so eloquently put it, A dream is a wish your heart makes.  It begins with a spark in the deepest part of our selves. Some of our dreams begin as we develop certain talents or hobbies- being a famous football player or musician, for example. Other dreams, like that of flying, may simply be the result of our imagination.  Still others are planted early on in our lives and continue to grow until we can't remember a time without such a desire in our hearts.  That's the case with my dream of adopting children.

A calling, on the other hand, doesn't begin with us.  It's like a dream, but it's God's dream. It's picked out specifically by Him, tailored to who He's made us to be, and often times, it'll be something we never expected.  In fact, there's a good chance we'll fight it in the beginning.  We'll think about how unqualified we are, how impossible it will be, and how we just aren't cut out for it.  And that, my friends, is the beauty of a calling.  We aren't qualified, and we aren't cut out for it.  But if we choose obedience in the midst of our fear and doubt, God has an opportunity to receive glory.  

Both dreams and callings are unique to who we are.  I love kids, have a ton of experience with them, and even went to college to learn how to handle them.  My dream of being an adoptive parent surprises absolutely no one; kids are just... what I do.  But I'm more than just a teacher or a soccer-mom-in-training, as someone once called me.  I'm also an incredibly deep thinker.  I'm an avid reader.  I'm passionate about the Bible and love connecting Scripture to everyday life.  Those were the things that led to my call to write.  Was it something I ever wanted to do?  Absolutely not.  But no matter how hard I tried to escape it, I couldn't.  No amount of kicking, screaming, pounding my fists on the desk, and telling God I don't wanna do this! made Him take it back.  

And now... well, now my calling is just as much a part of me as my dreams.  I'll be sharing later in the week how the two are connected, but in the meantime, leave a comment and let us know what your dream or calling is!