Okay, so I don't have kids of my own, but I couldn't resist joining in the fun of MckMama's "Not my child!" Monday. As a teacher, I have plenty of stories to share, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity! So, I dedicate this post to the parents of my students. Thank you for raising children who keep me entertained day in and day out.... who keep my mind active by forcing me to think on my feet... who ensure there's never a dull moment in my classroom.
Without further ado, it was certainly NOT your 5-year-old:
-who stubbed his toe and shouted an ugly word loud enough for everyone on the playground to hear.
-who came bounding into class one Monday morning bragging, yes, bragging, that you'd been hauled off to jail over the weekend. (Nor did I see your face plastered on my TV screen during the 11:00 news.)
-who began jumping up and down, crying hysterically, and having an all-out hissy fit simply because her friend wouldn't slide the crayon basket to her side of the table.
-who decided that a) his shoes were a bit dirty, and b) since he couldn't find the baby wipes, standing IN the toilet would be the best way to get them clean.
-who told me one day as we were lining up for lunch, "You know what? If I had a great big bottle of wine at home, I'd bring it to school so you and Mrs. Jefferson could drink it!" (And if he had said that, there's no way I'd think to myself "Bring it on-- we need it after putting up with you for 7 months!" Nope. Not me!)
-who looked me up and down on Tacky Day and had the nerve to say, "Good grief, Miss *****, what happened to you? Did you oversleep this morning?!? It looks like you got dressed really fast.... and in the dark!"
-who, when asked what you do at home during the day, told us that you make medicine in the basement.
-who fell down on the playground and began crying big, fake *Drama Boy* tears. And when I called him on it, he did not agree that I was, indeed, smarter than I look!
-who felt rather brave one afternoon and retaliated when kicked by the class bully. After all, he does know that it's never okay to hit/kick/push, even if they started it. (Nor did your child receive a discreet high-five from me because, quite frankly, the kid needed someone to stand up to him.)
-who, ahem, had a bowel movement on the floor of our bathroom and then proceeded to kick it under a shelf (yes, our bathroom doubles as a storage area). And if that had happened, there's no way I would have handed a 5-year-old a pair of rubber gloves, a trashbag, and a bottle of Clorox wipes and tell him to "Get cleaning because even our custodians shouldn't have to do something like that!"
-who taught all the other little girls on the playground how to pole dance. And yes, she knew what she was doing. When I asked her where she'd learned to dance like that, she did not tell me that she'd gone to work with you and that you'd given her lessons in the living room.
-who was found underneath the slide during the first week of school getting kissed by a boy. And liking it.